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Everyone hopes to have a happy and happy life, and also hopes to stay away from unhappy and depressing things. But who is in charge of all this? Is it life or yourself?
Button on the driver
Once I went back to Beijing by plane and arrived at Beijing Terminal 3 at 12 P.M. I finally waited for the taxi in the ice and snow, threw the bag into it and got into it. The driver was very nervous: "Where are you going ?" I said, "Zhongguancun ."
The driver was very happy and said, "Zhongguancun is not bad. I queued up for 20 minutes yesterday and got a job in the middle of the night. I asked where to go, Wangjing! I have been depressed today ."
I said, "If my home was in the South Fifth Ring Road, you wouldn't be so happy ."
The master laughed, "That's not true ."
I said to the master, "Are there two buttons on your body? One is happy and the other is unhappy. If the people who come up to Wangjing press it, you will be depressed for a day; if the people who come up to Zhongguancun press it, you will be happy for a day ?"
The driver: "It's a bit like this ."
If you are a driver, what buttons do you have? Do you have buttons on your body? What do others do to you, will you press the unhappy button on your body?
As the saying goes, life is unsatisfactory. We will inevitably encounter unsatisfactory things, such as the unreasonable boss, the unreasonable customer, or even worse, marry or marry an unreliable person. How do you react at this time? Do you have such a button on your body, which says "happy" or "unhappy", "successful" or "unsuccessful "? Who will touch these buttons? If these buttons are always touched by others, who will control our life?
Just like that driver, most people in this world have their own buttons, which also let others control their own lives. Some people put their buttons on their chests and you can see them at a glance; some hide them very well and you can see them in a very secret place; some others feel painful after being pressed, just press the buttons of people around you everywhere. But these people all have a characteristic that their lives are often out of control. Their mental model is: the outside world and others control my life, which leads to my current state.
Once this mode is installed, they can only protect the pain button carefully and prevent others from pressing it. But once being pressed, what else can they do except being depressed? It seems that your boss is just angry with you; your child is just disobedient; when you are anxious, the road ahead is blocked ...... We call this kind of person victims.
Victims are used to putting pain and happiness in others' hands. Sometimes they are family members and superiors, sometimes they are friends and colleagues, and sometimes they are themselves of the past. You can easily identify them from the crowd, because they always have complaints on their faces and like to use virtual tone when speaking:
"It's all because of her, if not ...... I already ......"
"I was still young at that time, so ......"
"He has done so, I have ......"
Zen master and orchid
There is a Zen master who likes to raise orchids very much. Once he went out for a cloud travel, he gave orchid to his apprentice to take care. Apprentices knew it was Master's favorite thing, so they also took care of it carefully. Orchids grew well all the time. But the day before the Zen master came back, he accidentally broke the orchid.
The Apprentice was very sad. It didn't matter that he was punished. He was afraid that the master would be angry and sad.
Ask yourself, if you were a Zen master, what would you do?
After the Zen master came back, he knew that he was neither angry nor punished his apprentice. He told his apprentice, "I planted orchids at that time, not for being angry today ."
There are still a small number of people in this world who have a wonderful mental converter. It seems that they have no pain button but happiness button, and the button is in their hands. It seems like a Zen master. Although it is not what you want that the orchid is broken, there is always a better choice than being furious. Their mental model is: no matter how the outside world is, I have the ability to be responsible for my own situation. Such a person can always find a better way to deal with the present, because he knows that no matter how the outside world is, the next step of life is his own! If the boss gets angry, I can choose to communicate or leave; if the child is not obedient, I can choose to educate or adjust my way of speaking; when there is a traffic jam, I can choose not to come out at this time next time, or listen to music or practice English listening at this time ...... We call this kind of person the controller.
Refuse to suffer, control your life now
In the mental model class, Lily of the College shared a story about her controlling life: "I have been an administrator for many years, and I feel that I am not suitable for it, so I want to enter the human resources department. My current company is full of luxuriant branches and complete system, so it is the best choice to change jobs within the company ." She made clear her career development direction and was ready to start her career transformation plan with full confidence.
Several weeks passed, Lily didn't make any progress -- of course, she had a story about a victim: "I wrote to our department director, but he respected my will, he said that if the other party agreed to accept, I could leave. But Helen, the HR manager, has never made a statement. I thought, I couldn't be a victim. I continued to write to her and wrote letters every week, but the result was that I was refused in a polite manner. You say, am I out of my way? I also want to be a controller, but this is a matter of the company system. If the other party doesn't want me, what can I do ?"
Can the boss control it? Can the company be controlled? Of course not. The only thing you can control is yourself. You can't let your husband not smoke, but you can choose to be a woman who is calm and communicates with him about this matter; you can't control the stock without falling, but you can control your mood, at the same time, learn to avoid risks next time; you can not control luck, but you can start to control your own ability to recognize and seize opportunities. In this story, you can't control whether the company and the department manager of the other side want you or not, but you can control yourself and make yourself more needed. Lily soon found her mistake, and she decided to fight back: control the boss!
The next morning, Helen, the manager of HR department of the company, received an email from Lily. She told the other party in the letter that she had signed up for human resource management! Helen replied politely: Come on!
Two weeks passed, Helen received Lily's thoughts and an article about the human resources course, and asked her if she could consult her about the relevant questions? Helen replied slightly this time: Welcome to exchange. From this week on, when Helen opens her mailbox every week, she can see Lily's latest opinions, thoughts and parties about human resources. Helen knew from the Mail that she attended the HR party, reading books about this, and assisting a professor of Peking University to do research ......
Four months later, Helen opened her mailbox and received Lily's last letter, "XX company wants me to do human resource management in the past, which is my dream all the time. Hope to keep in touch ."
15 minutes later, Lily raised her head and saw Helen standing in front of her with an unprecedented bright face. She said that sentence that Lily had been looking forward to for a long time: "Are you interested in working as an HR in our company ?"
Do you understand? If you like, you can always control something. You don't need to get permission to start learning, and you don't need to get the opportunity to start working hard. If you like, you can do something for this thing now, unless your victim mode makes you deeply fall into complaint and self-pity.
The world is unfair
The world is unfair. The longer you live, the higher you stand and see clearly, the more you will realize that the essence of the world is actually unfair. This is also the reason why many scientists, jurists and entrepreneurs finally hide into religion to seek peace: they once tried to create a kind of fairness, but when they tried to reach a certain height, but they found that they still faced those unchangeable unfairness. Liang Qichao was mentally depressed after the Hundred Days' Reform. He occasionally touched Buddhism and was surprised. He wrote, "the society has been more depressed for many times, and the world-weary thoughts come into being constantly; for this vicious world, having all kinds of annoyance and sorrow, I want to find a place to settle down. Those who have a little bit of weapon will escape and enter the Buddha ."
The world is unfair. Knowing this, what will you do?
Maybe you finally feel relieved. This discovery makes your victim model seem reasonable. No wonder you don't live well enough. It turns out that the society itself is unfair. Of course it's not your fault.
The more friendly idea is that if the world is unfair everywhere, you should find a way or an extent that you can tolerate, and then live happily.
My favorite idea is that if the world is full of unfairness, then you should find the unfairness that can change you, and then influence them in your way.
If you are still young and believe that the world is fair, it is naive.
If you have grown up and you are still looking for absolute fairness, that is stupid.
The world is unfair. It is the same whether you complain or not. The key is how you treat these unfairness. From this perspective, learning how to face unfairness is far more important than learning how to evaluate unfairness. Unfairness is the opportunity in our lives, the opportunity that life provides to us and makes ourselves and the world better.
